When the tears of grief over a spouse have
dried, eventually there can come a time of rational survey of just what has gone wrong with life.
Here we were, immersed in a life of happiness together and then a vicious killer intruded with the intent of destruction of beauty and goodness.
How
can a human not be resentful and feel anger? These emotions are not to
be denied. I know that some respond by their own death. I can understand that choice. There is no shame in
collapsing as a physical being and joining the beloved in the beyond,
where ever that may be.
In
my instance I have chosen to live on and be as creative as possible.
Now all that I think and create in writing and human relationships is not dominated by resentment and criticism of the natural order. I want to give that reality a
hopeful face that is reflective of what we were before Alzheimer's
disease. This is sounding like embracing the vicious side of Nature in a
larger framework of meaning
That "embracing"
is one challenging assignment. It means taking in stride the acid taste
of intended poison of the spirit. There is a chance that mental
paralysis will be the result. I know enough about what can happen in
people to be aware that I am in a vulnerable place.
We chose words for our gravestone at Blue Hill Cemetery. "Our life flows on in endless song."
Expression
of this feeling is basic to growing maturity as a human being. Perhaps
criticism can be topped by appreciation. Perhaps new vistas of what people
can be will appear as the horizon turns into reality. Creation of the
New is forever possible. The question comes back to me - Am I up to it?
Delton
