Care Giver Recovery Takes More Than Time

The process of recovery from Care Giving in Memory Loss is for the long haul. Let me be personal. I am now in the fourth month of Recovery and new challenges are daily. Every personal account is different. This is my experience.

The shock of separation comes first when it becomes evident that one's spouse will need more care that can be provided in the home. Gradually one deals with the separation experience and the terror that goes with it. Then daily life begins to take over and other thoughts break through. It will take longer than expected for anything that counts as normal happens.

The inevitable feelings of guilt, anger and remorse persist. By talking with family members, a professional counselor, the ALZ Help Line 1-800-272-3900 and other resources the rawness of the helpless state of mind is gradually made more livable.

In due time glimmers of gratitude can be seen. There are bright spots, especially if the Group Home or Care Center where your spouse lives has a compassionate and effective staff. Experiences with other people at church or other groups may be helpful, especially if people do not desire to "fix" the situation or give advice. If they do, know that their intentions are good but they simply do not understand what is going on for you. Make an escape from them.

And all of us get tired and weary so easily. Like right now I am feeling exhausted and will leave off for another time.

Delton

Separation

When a couple married for 61 years are separated by Memory Loss, the Care Giver has times of overwhelming grief as time brings around anniversaries of special annual importance. 

 

The internal time device says, "I recall vividly the events and moments we shared at this time last year and before that as well. Why can't we be doing that again now? What has gone wrong? Explain all you want about the disease but that does not comfort my grief.  I am isolated here in time on an island that is lonely and this will not be changed until consciousness is completed."  

Here is grief that cannot be avoided or comforted. All that is possible is to live through it, if possible, and let the feelings become familiar and perhaps less painful. There is no point in denying the reality of the situation. 

Emotions apparently have to be allowed to happen. Living in the moment means recognizing the feeling for what it is and accepting the sadness. When the moment is so encrusted with over 60 years of repetition it seems likely that life will prevail in its effort to recognize the power of relationship.

I have nine months of observing these times. It is a pilgrimage. Perhaps this is the way to observe such times. Stop and reflect. Look at the present surroundings. Let grief have its way. Don't hurry past the moment. 

So Simple and so Welcome

Words cannot encompass the reality of persons experiencing serious illness or accident as well as immediate care givers, involved families and close friends.

Words are tools of expressing meaning so that contact can be made between  people.  Words are public tools. Words complement body language as well as guttural noises that arise from the primeval brain. When events, conditions and chance place any of us where we are handling deep human emotions we by naturally reach for what nature provides. 

The experience of a glance of the eye or a more expansive eye to eye "look" provides for exchange that is voluminous.  Apparently there is a contact between the vision centers of the brain and the branches of meaning that make up the personalities of  individuals. Vast realms of meaning are exchanged in a fraction of a second.

We humans can well learn from our companions. Dogs in particular exchange meaning with each other and with humans through the glance and the look.  Dogs are said to be able to "read the minds" of their people.  Dogs do not have words so they guide us humans to the basic necessities. With a dog and a human it is the glance of the eye and the physical touch that is profoundly intimate.

From the viewpoint of this care giver, the most welcome expression is to look me in the eye and say, "I'm so sorry".  No words of sympathy or condolence are needed.  Just three words and a look. So simple. So welcome.

Sentimental Thoughts on Memory Loss

It seems out of fashion to show evidences of emotions other than happiness and rejoicing when in public here in 2014.

The reality is that many of us are what the programmers of society call "sentimental".  In some circles sentimentalism is seen as a sign of character weakness. That is just plain wrong.  In memory loss situations being sentimental and showing emotion is the recognition of the tragic side of life.  Character strength is demanded of those who are Care Givers, Family and Friends.

 The outward display of emotion that goes with parting from a companion, friend and lover is what real life and drama is all about. Of course, it is not scripted and predictable. Memory Loss is the opposite of  what we would want to happen in our lives. Survivors find that living on is a great challenge It demands dealing with changing emotions as time recreates scenes that gave life and meaning to existence.

Delton

Now I have joined the ALZ community

When writing posts in 2011 there were evident hints that my spouse might be in the Memory Loss community of persons.  Those hints proved to be more than true. I was already a care giver but was not conscious of the reality of what was coming. 

Now for almost three months my dear heart spouse has been at Rakhma House, a group home in Minneapolis, MN. Rakhma is a group home with a well qualified staff. I am so thankful.  

 

I am recovering from years of doing my best to give safety and care.  The crisis was collapse of my body. I fortunately avoided death. Now I am learning how to be who I am in this new and rather frightening world of being a survivor scarred by the physical wounds of trying to do more than the human body can do in the face of a vicious enemy.