Like The First Sounds of Springtime

The faint sound of water drops under the snow on a south facing slope is a signal that the sun is a few degrees higher in its daily round. A cloud comes and a chill breeze stops the living sound of the water drops. In the north country the message is clear to all with ears to listen. Warmth comes gradually. It will take a while and freezing cold will interrupt fond dreams of springtime. 

That is the way it is in recovery from the harsh coldness of the death of a beloved one.  

The timing varies person to person. For me it has taken six months to reach the first faint sensations of spring time of the spirit. My whole person was awakened for a short time today. Then came the return of the cold shadow. Was that good feeling just imagined? Once the warmth is experienced there is an inner assurance that the process of recovery is actually happening. 

This part of life seems to have a pattern of its own. Counselors speak of this experience but a person in the midst of it all simply does not believe them until that "water drops under the snow" sensation actually happens. Even then the cool breeze and shadow seems to deny the sense of warmth. My sense is that this is the time to hang on and bring to memory those moments of lovely warmth.

The north woods of Minnesota are a showcase of this dynamic process. Late winter and early spring are times when trees, plants, animals, birds and people crave spring with their whole beings. Thick ice on lakes and streams; deep snow in the forest; smoke from snug homes - all seem to prove that cold is permanent. But we listen and when the dim sounds of melt water comes, we perk up and say, "Maybe it is true that spring will come. Would that not be a wonderful event. Just hang on!"

The 6 month anniversary of the death of spouse Joan

Death has come for Joan as the only answer to Alzheimer's Disease. On August 5, 2014 the quiet step from being to not being happened. Family and I were present. Since then we have all been into dealing with the transition to a life when spouse and mother is no longer here. At first it seemed as if this could not be and then our minds would say that daily life would no longer include the bright presence of Joan.

Just today I learned that the six month point in time, plus or minus, is medically defined as time when the depths of the hard work of grief comes. There is value in knowing this since one begins to question so much about self stability and health now.

It is said that the first year after the death of a dear person is a roller coaster experience. This has been and is true for me. Suddenly tears come. Appetite is dulled as it was during the Care Giving. One wonders if this time of grieving will go on for the rest of personal life. Sleep is disturbed. What is the use of anything.

As I move through coming months I intend to write more reflections on how the Care Giving process goes for me. Perhaps I can speak as one of that host of people who are dealing right now with Care Giving, Grieving, and Survival. We do need to speak up. Only we can put into words that which we have come to know so well.
Delton